‘Uplifting’ insights from the dying, Colorado podcast gives terminally ill a chance to share what they’ve learned about life

The dying have a lot to teach us. That’s the premise behind a Colorado-produced podcast that interviews people facing the end of their lives.

“They have a clarity about what's important to them that I think is instructive to all of us, whether we're older or younger,” said Cory Hufstedler, the podcast host. 

“I don't need to be dying to live an intentional life,” he said.

Hufstedler is a palliative care chaplain at a Denver hospital. He started the podcast because he found the people he worked with to be so inspiring, he was certain that others would be interested in what they had to say.  

His wife was skeptical. “Who’s going to listen to that? So depressing.”

But Hufstedler had years of experience talking to the terminally ill, and he knew better.

“It's not going to be depressing. It's going to be encouraging. I think it's going to be uplifting,” he said.

Courtesy "Dying To Tell You"

It turns out, that a lot of people want to listen (and Hufstedler’s wife is a big supporter). "Dying To Tell You" is approaching 20 thousand downloads and working on its third season. The podcast is produced in Colorado but includes guests from across the country and around the world.

Hufstedler says the messages resonate with people of all ages.

“Just because I don't see my finish line right now doesn't mean that I can't take what I'm learning from these people and apply it to my life now,” he said.

Hufstedler shared excerpts from some of his interviews and his takeaways with Colorado Matters host Chandra Thomas Whitfield as part of our ongoing series, Aging Matters.

'I don’t need to know about tomorrow'

Advice that Hufstadler says changed his own life came from Riyaz Motan, a guest in his 50s who has lung cancer: try to live in the present.

“I don't know about tomorrow. I can't know about tomorrow. I don't need to know about tomorrow,” Motan said.

The approach has roots in different spiritual traditions, Hofstedler said. 

“Jesus says those things too, like, don't worry about tomorrow. Tomorrow has its own worries,” Hufstedler said. “Be here, be here now. And I think that's what has really empowered Riyaz to live well with his cancer.”

Courtesy "Dying To Tell You"

'I'm a much better caretaker than I am a patient'

Nancy K., a guest from Wyoming who was in her 70s (and who the podcast identified by only her first name), voiced a concern that Hufstedler hears a lot, especially from older women.

“I'll tell you what, I'm a much better caretaker than I am a patient,” she said. “I've done it all my life. And from the time my husband retired until now, I've been taking care of him. Now he's taking care of me. And that is - I'm very thankful and gracious with him about it - but that's kind of hard to let go of.”

Hufstedler often works with patients and their families to allow a long-time caregiver to accept help.

“Switching that role gives somebody else the opportunity to give when they've been receiving for so long. And there's grace and beauty in giving and receiving, as we all know,” he said.

'Losing a parent is hard, period'

Dying to Tell You also interviews family members, often adult children experiencing death for the first time through their dying parents. Jessica Guthrie from Virginia emotionally described watching her mother decline from Alzheimer's disease.

“Losing a parent is hard, period. And then losing someone you've cared for for 10 years is also really hard. And I think that there is no system that I can create, there is no routine that I can create, there is nothing that I can do, to stop the train of Alzheimer's disease,” Guthrie said.  “My mom is going to die. People don't think of it like this, but Alzheimer's disease is a terminal illness.”

Hufstedler said when he works with an adult child or family member, he tries to keep in mind the longer-term impact of living through a loved one’s death.

“Because they have to live with this for the rest of their life,” he explained. “I’m trying to help them be as whole as possible. Think about how they're going to live with what they're doing for the rest of their life, and helping them get to a place of being ready to say goodbye.”

'Will you just pray that I can have the peace and the joy and the experiences?'

Many of the podcast’s guests are younger, and some touch on questions of faith. Deanna Cotten fits both those categories; she is in her mid-40s, has ALS, and has this to say:

“Please don't plead for my life, don't plead for more days. Will you just pray that I can have the peace and the joy and the experiences, the memories, all the things? Will you pray those things all the way through the day that's numbered? That's all I want,” she said.

While Hufstedler said he often has to work with people to accept a terminal diagnosis that strikes young, Cotten was way ahead.

“She believes her days are numbered, and that God has a plan, and she's not asking. She doesn't want people to ask God to change God's plan for her. She wants to be able to accept God's plan,” he said. 

But Hufstedler says it’s not uncommon for people to struggle with faith in the face of death.

“A lot of people have this kind of subconscious belief that if I do good if I am a good person, if I am faithful, name the condition, but if I do the things that I know are right, then I'm going to be okay. And that works really well as long as everything's okay,” he said. “But when tragedy happens, you have to either think, oh, I did something wrong and I didn't know it. Or maybe that's not how it works.”

Courtesy "Dying To Tell You"

Families can laugh, even around death

Hufstedler hears a lot of sadness, but he also hears a lot of laughter and levity. Aimee Dokes of Denver shared a story about her mother’s funeral on the podcast.

“Our family has a whole thing on, you need to have nice panties on when you leave the house. I was talking to my aunt and my aunt goes, ‘Amy, I'm going to give you money. You and your brother are going to go to Victoria's Secret and go buy your mom a beautiful panty set,’” Aimee said, laughing. “Someone else got all the food, but my brother and I were in charge of panties and alcohol.”

Hufstedler saw Dokes’ ability to laugh at the situation as a sign that the family was true to itself, even when facing the sadness of losing her mother.

“People are who they are, and just because they're coming to the end of their life, it doesn't change who they are. And families are who they are,” he said. “This family was just joyful and funny, and that's how they were.” The laughter was not just healing, he said, it was proof that the family stayed true to itself, even when facing death.