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Drew Robinson was a talented professional baseball player. It seemed like all his goals were coming to fruition. But he couldn't shake a sense of deep inadequacy. Those feelings eventually brought him to the darkest moment of his life. In that moment, he realized he was here for good reasons, and he committed to living.

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Back From Broken is a show about how we are all broken sometimes, and how we need help from time to time. If you’re struggling, you can find a list of resources at&nbsp;<a href="http://backfrombroken.org/">BackFromBroken.org</a>.

Host: Vic Vela Lead producer:&nbsp;Rebekah Romberg Editor:&nbsp;Jo Erickson Additional editorial support: Kibwe Cooper, Emily Williams, Erin Jones, Andrew Villegas Music: Daniel Mescher and Brad Turner with additional music from Universal Production Music Executive producers: Brad Turner, Kevin Dale Thanks also to Rachel Estabrook, Hart van Denburg, Jodi Gersh, Clara Shelton, Arielle Wilson, Kim Nguyen.

<a href="http://backfrombroken.org/">BackFromBroken.org</a> On Twitter: @VicVela1

Vic Vela: Hey, it’s Vic. Just wanted to let you know this episode has some detailed descriptions of a suicide attempt. And that may be difficult for some folks to hear. Please take care of yourself. And just know that help is available if you need it. The suicide and crisis lifeline is available 24 hours a day. Just dial 9-8-8.

In April 2017 after several years of working his way up through the minors, Drew Robinson achieved his lifelong dream: He made his Major League Baseball debut with the Texas Rangers. Months later, Drew laced up his cleats to play at one of America’s most iconic ballparks: Yankee Stadium.&nbsp;

Drew Robinson: I remember having a moment of emotions, of like tears - good tears.

Vic: This was an accomplishment Drew worried he would never achieve.

Drew: Two times in my minor league career, I was like the worst player statistically in that league. So there was two times, and many times, honestly, I could have very easily been released. The Rangers believed in me. So I had a moment of happy tears, of just appreciating that fact I'm being ready to finally start in a game. And it's Yankee Stadium. Before the game. I was listening to this song that had these really good lyrics.

[Soundbite of “Glorious” by Macklmore]

“You know I'm back like I never left / Another sprint, another step….”

Vic: This song “Glorious” by Macklemore was the perfect soundtrack for this moment.

“I feel glorious, glorious / Got a chance to start again. / I was born for this, born for this…”

Drew: I was like, I was born for this, so I was like, yeah, I'm born for this. I'm born for this game tonight, [laughter], or today.&nbsp;

“I made it through the darkest part of the night / And now I see the sunrise…”

Drew: I was just like, I made it through the darkest part of my minor league career, like feeling like I was gonna quit, feeling like I was gonna get released, feeling like I was gonna ask to be released ‘cause I was embarrassed. And then I'm getting to experience it at Yankee Stadium. So I was just like, I can't believe I found a way to make it here. So it was a good song.

“Now I feel glorious, glorious. / I feel glorious, glorious.”

Drew: It's still very fitting for my story, uh, to this day. It still hits me hard for like, describing the last couple years.

Vic: Drew was living his dream, but at the same time he was racked with self-doubt. Now, we all have an inner critic, but Drew’s was extreme. Relentless perfectionism and self deprecating thoughts drove him to the brink of destroying everything he’d worked for, and himself.&nbsp;

I’m Vic Vela. I’m a journalist, a storyteller and a recovering drug addict. And this is “Back from Broken” from Colorado Public Radio. Stories about the highest highs, the darkest moments and what it takes to make a comeback.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;

Baseball was always a big deal in the Robinson house.

Drew: Yeah, baseball was our thing. Just, typical kids, always playing outside, playing all kinds of sports, trying to be super athletic, always super active. So we always experimented with all other sports and played different seasons with other sports. Um, but yeah, like I said, baseball was our – pun intended – our home base. And, um, we were able to gravitate towards that and stick with it.&nbsp;

Vic: Did baseball serve as a distraction for some other things going on, Drew?

Drew: Yeah, I think so. I think at times it was a little bit of everything at times. It's what brought our family together at times. It served as a distraction when natural family stressors were going on.

Vic: That stress was often caused by fights between his parents. Drew’s mom and dad divorced when he was 9. And baseball was an outlet for him and a way to gain approval in his family. At a certain point though, Drew’s striving to be the best he could be, became unhealthy.

Drew: When I was a kid, I was probably more on the extreme side of just like an emotional rollercoaster. So like I said, I think it came from a lot of just natural stress, um, and trying to prove myself and, and whatnot. So, um, yeah, trying to be perfect at all times is not a very [chuckle] sustainable and serving mindset.

Vic: Tell me about a moment when you felt like you were being really too hard on yourself about playing baseball.

Drew: Yeah, I mean, realistically, anybody that was really around me enough was able to notice the emotional rollercoaster that I was. I just naturally wear my heart on my sleeve. So striking out, I come in, using all my energy to not slam my helmet or just letting it out and slamming my helmet. I was very obviously angry. So I wasn't as easily approachable or not in a good mood. I made an error, if I struck out, if I – whatever – made a bad swing decision, um, was late to a practice, whatever. This internal voice was just never ending. Telling me how I'm not good enough. All these things. It's just this inner critic was just overbearing for me.

Drew: Yeah, I mean, even thinking back to high school. I think my senior year of high school I hit .500, which is just an unreal … Like, it's crazy to think. I mean, in baseball it's a, it's a crazy stat. But anybody on that team … I'm actually still really close friends with a lot of those guys on that team. They will very easily tell you how I was still finding ways to be, um, unsatisfied.

Vic: .500, .500 is really – is amazing.

Drew: Like I said, there's just this habit that I naturally or subconsciously was reinforcing every time something went wrong. So even in major league games, not being satisfied with being a major leaguer. And just going, approaching everything like that. So, um, yeah, it was unfortunate. And like I said, it came from a place, a good place. Because I wanted to be good. Like it came from a place of passion. I just really cared about what I was doing and I wanted to be the best. But, um, there needs to be, like we said, a sweet spot or middle ground to where it's not detrimental.

Vic: Yeah. Well, let's talk about that passion because you look, you were a standout player. 2010 was a really big year for you. You graduated high school and you were drafted by the Texas Rangers. Was there a moment that you … I know you've been so hard on yourself up until this point, but was there a moment where you allowed yourself to feel grateful about what you had accomplished?

Drew: Yeah, absolutely. Um, and that's what I mean by the emotional rollercoaster. Like I said: I felt things so strongly. I mean, I still do. When I was feeling good about things, I really felt good about it. I was incredibly proud of myself for getting drafted. I put a ton of work in the two years before. I was kind of a late bloomer, so I didn't – the first years of high school, I didn't play on my team. And then when I hit a growth spurt and kind of had a little breakout season my junior year, I really put in the work. So I was able to experience pride and happiness and enjoyment and things like that in the moment when things were going well. I wasn't always just this like angry, irritable, um, over-critiquing person. Definitely able to take moments and really enjoy what I was doing and have a lot of fun doing it. So, um, incredibly exciting moment and fun moment when I got drafted.&nbsp;

Vic: After being drafted by the Texas Rangers, Drew worked hard to prove himself in the minor leagues. By 2017, he made his major league debut. He didn’t get another chance to play in the majors until late June. And boy did he take advantage of that opportunity.

[Soundbite of Major League Baseball game tape]

Unnamed announcer: This ball hit well out to right center field. It’s carrying and it’s over the fence and gone! Drew Robinson!

Vic: Drew’s first hit in the majors was a homerun at Yankees Stadium.&nbsp;&nbsp;

Drew: Everything kind of coming together, like what I had pictured my baseball life to be. It was all in a three hour window. So. Being able to have the post game interview, thank my family and just kind of think about all the coaches that kept believing in me when I was at times tough to probably deal with. Not because I was disrespectful, but just because I was so emotional and so hard on myself. Um, so just the wave of appreciation, gratitude, excitement, um, thinking that this is, this is it. Now we go [chuckles] you know, little naiveness, you know.

Vic: It sounds like a movie. It sounds like a movie moment, right?

Drew: Yeah, I mean, like I said, I was fortunate to experience a lot of what I pictured of just like hitting a home run in the major leagues, whatever it may be. So the fact that it was my first hit was just like, wow, what do I do? I remember trying to act cool running around the bases, like, don't smile too much. Like, don't show too … act like you were expecting it or like, act like you, you've been here, you know? So it's like all kinds of thoughts, emotions were going through. But it was very cool to be able to do it with a lot of the players that I came up with through the minor leagues and the dugout who were all super happy for me too. Some of the coaches on that staff were in the minor leagues with me, so they were … It was just a very powerful, um, fun, and just grateful moment

Vic: You know, that's where baseball … It, it can be such a cruel sport, right? You know, one minute you're hitting a home run at Yankee Stadium and the next you're back in the minors and …

Vic: That's exactly what happened to you, right?

Vic: After all that hard work and that tremendous moment at Yankees Stadium, the Rangers sent Drew back to the minors the next day. That’s baseball, folks. Sometimes you’re up, sometimes you’re down. And Drew was devastated. He was still playing the game he loved, but he was discouraged and doubting himself more than ever. And while on the outside, his teammates didn’t see anything different, Drew was starting to spiral.

Drew: Not very often was I actually even-keeled or balanced. When I'm around people, even then, um, even when I was in a really uncomfortable internal state, when I was in the stadium, for the most part I was enjoying myself. ‘Cause I really liked … I was fortunate to be surrounded by a lot of good people, a lot of good teammates, had really close friends. Um, the rock bottom moments were always when I went home and was in my room by myself or in an apartment by myself, um, or like on a bus with music on, kind of trying to isolate. That's when like that inner critic would come in and just tear me apart. So all coming from my own self. So it was much of the same, of just a very up and down personality.

I always played through pulled muscles and, and strains and like broken fingers and things like that, but I had some injuries where I couldn't play through. My playing time was inconsistent for the first time, which was new to me and which was tough – again, being at that time in my career where I was like, it’s make or break time. Um, and then unfortunately halfway through that season I had, um, a freak accident, a freak slip on the base and actually hyperextended and dislocated my elbow. Basically I wasn't valuable to the team anymore from a performance standpoint. So I was released by that team and was sent home with a month, almost a month and a half left in the season.

So, like I said, I was terrified of my career coming to an end before I was ready and before I felt like I was really tapped into my potential. I was actually home. So like away from the camaraderie, away from the game. For the first time I remember watching baseball on TV, like in my living room, like thinking, this is just so weird. I'm usually out there.

I felt outta place at home. Kind of like just led to a really strong level of fear and uncertainty. And unfortunately because I didn't have the willingness to address internal feelings and I was so a part of the stigma, I just projected all that in a very unhealthy way. So I projected it onto my perspectives and got very pessimistic and got very victim-like. And then I was really questioning myself and questioning just overall life. I, I just wasn't in a good place and not aware of it. Like I said, I was very sweep-things-under-the-rug, so I didn't wanna admit that I was as uncomfortable as I was.

Vic: In the weeks after his injury, things started to really unravel. Drew started to question many parts of his life: his talent, his choices, his self-worth. His inner critic was turning into a full blown monster. And Drew was feeling hopeless. But at least he had baseball, which he still loved and was playing spring ball with the San Francisco Giants at that time. Then in March of 2020, the pandemic shut everything down. So Drew still had all these negative thoughts, but he was holed up in his apartment all alone.

Drew: That isolation from the pandemic and forcing everyone to come home and now just being by myself was really hard on me. And, um, those things unfortunately convinced me that my life wasn't worth it. And unfortunately attempt suicide on April 16th, 2020.

Vic: That's a lot, that's a lot of heaviness, man. That's, that's a lot of heavy things going on there.

Drew: Yeah, it's, it's, it's crazy because realistically those acute things are obviously tough and it's serious life adversity. But I, I believe that those things brought out what was already ingrained in me and already patterns and, and habits that were happening no matter what. So realistically, I think no matter what I was doing, matter what career I was in, what life I was in, if I approached things with the same perspectives and the same habits, at some point the same thing could have happened.&nbsp;

Vic: And now I just wanna take a moment to let you know that we’re about to get into a detailed discussion of suicide.

April 16th, uh, 2020. And Drew, you just tell me if there's anything you don't wanna relive. I totally understand that. Um, you had bought a gun, right?

Drew: Yeah. I remember the first time I went to a gun store, there was a line, like a mile down. It was crazy busy. So I remember leaving and I remember telling myself, maybe that's a sign that I should not do this. But I eventually got it about two and a half weeks before I actually did it. I didn't realize what day I was gonna do, but I just realized I'm done. Um, so that day I woke up and about halfway through the day I just realized I'm ready. At least I think I am. So yeah. I was on my couch and, um, pulled the trigger and um, yeah, it was what I thought was gonna be the end of my life.

Vic: Drew shot himself in the head. But miraculously survived. The bullet seemed to go out of its way to miss his brain entirely. But Drew wasn’t out of the woods by a long shot. He was bleeding very badly and was completely disoriented. At a certain point, he decided to take a shower. He was in such a state of shock, he wasn’t even experiencing any physical pain. Eventually he just went to sleep. He went to sleep.

Drew: And then the next morning when I woke up, that's when the actual pain from the damage and the shock had worn off. So my face – super swollen, a lot of damage, an added layer of discomfort. Um, so the thoughts of trying again were very constant throughout that next day. Um, but looking back, like there were just so many signs of me wanting to be here: I’d taken Tylenol thinking that might help this much damage, which definitely didn't. Um. During the whole process I put bandaids over the, the, the entry wound. Um, and then at some point when I was putting the bandaids on, I was in front of the mirror and I saw the damage. And I remember having this thought towards the future: thinking my right eye really looks messed up. Maybe I'm not gonna be able to play baseball again. And that's around that time I had the, I caught myself in that moment of thinking, if I'm thinking about baseball, I'm thinking about the future. And the heavy question came to follow that was, “Am I trying to survive this now?” Baseball might have kinda had a say in saving my life.&nbsp;

Vic: Finally, Drew called 9-11, 20 hours after pulling the trigger.

Drew: I’m very aware that I shouldn't be here right now. Um, yeah and like I said, I found my way to my bed that night thinking I was just going to lay down and whenever I closed my eyes, whenever I drifted off or whenever that, that would be it. But then I woke up the next morning and like I said, I was just like, what is going on?&nbsp;

Vic: Wow. Drew, man, you made … Thank God you made that choice first of all. Um, and I'm so glad you're still here. What made you call for help?

Drew: Yeah, it's tough because in the moment I definitely didn't realize or understand why, other than the fact that I just was aware that it wasn't working. That's all I – that's as deep as I thought about it. It just … I thought that I shouldn't be able to be here after what I did. Um, so I didn't, wasn't like thinking that deeply or articulating enough to understand why or what I was thinking – the reasonings why. I just was like, I'm really uncomfortable. I'm still here somehow. Um, I'm tired of feeling this physical pain ‘cause like I said, that was from about seven, six or 7:00 AM until almost four. I was just sitting there with that, that much damage, which is really painful.

So I was just thinking like, maybe I should just get help. I don't know, like the baseball thought was the only thing I really thought in terms of like, maybe I should survive this. Like maybe that's a sign. And then eventually press call. And what's also kind of crazy is right before I pressed call, I knew that I was deciding to choose life. And that's a message I try to spread is that no matter how big or small of the circumstances, we all get a choice in our life and we get to choose life.

Vic: Drew finally got to the hospital where he went through four surgeries to repair the damage the bullet had caused. But in the process, he lost his right eye. That’s a lot to come back from. After a quick break, Drew finds physical and mental recovery.

Drew Robinson underwent full orbital and facial reconstruction surgery to recover from the bullet wound in his face. He lost his right eye, but luckily he could still use his left. Drew says from the moment he woke up from his first surgery, he was in a completely different place.&nbsp;

Drew: I just had this incredible wave of appreciation and gratitude and just love for everything. I remember even like thanking the discomforts that I had. It was so immediate and it was a feeling that stuck around for a long time, uh, which is honestly still fuels me to this point to try to help people learn from my mistake or my lessons learned. Whatever way you wanna look at it. ‘Cause it's definitely considered a mistake in my eye, and it's something I really am passionate about not glorifying. ‘Cause I think I could be doing all this and learning all this without the attempt attached to my name.

Vic: And I love what you said about you, you felt grateful for the pain when you were in the hospital bed. I mean, that's what gratitude is. It's a totally new way of looking at things.

Drew: Yeah. I was sitting in a hospital bed at that time. I was still in an incredible amount of physical pain after my surgeries. I had no family and friends physically there with me because of covid didn't allow that. I was in the most pain. I was in more pain than I thought was possible to even feel. But I, I was and still am able to say that lying there each day was the best moments in my life because I was able to feel gratitude, feel appreciation, feel genuine love for so many different things and what love love really is. Um, and which kind of started with myself.

It was so powerful and it's very overwhelming, in all the good, best ways possible. Again, something I could have been feeling without this. I could have been practicing appreciation, love, gratitude, all this mindfulness without getting to such a dark place beforehand.

Vic: Yeah. Well you had the physical side of recovery and then you had the mental health side of recovery. What did that mental health recovery look like for you? What kinds of things were you starting to do now?

Drew: Yeah, early on it was just communication. At that time it was a lot of this desire to reassure my family and friends that I was in a good place. In the beginning, like looking back, I think I did a little too much of that, almost like trying to prove myself or validate that I’m okay. But that was just kinda how it was. But the social aspect of everything was so important in the beginning. Although I was a very connected person, like I said earlier, I had a really good circle of friends and, and people around me. I never really opened up about anything other than just like the superficial, like the surface level things of everything's great. I'm a, I'm a jokester and everything's funny and whatever.

Very surface level. So at that time I finally had this feeling of nothing to lose, um, and was able to be completely comfortable in showing vulnerability and telling my big macho guy friends how much I love them and telling my dad how much I loved him. Just telling people who I like at times projected things that had nothing to do with them onto them and tell 'em I'm sorry or tell them that I appreciate you. Honestly just create this connection and letting people know, um, just how appreciated they are and how I'm in a sense, sorry for what I did, um, and can you guys help me? Which is something that was not – I was not able to admit before, did not wanna accept any help. Um, so I got to really experience a really beautiful process of accepting all the amazing people’s help.

Vic: And therapy was part of that? Weekly therapy, things like that?

Drew: Yeah, so the floodgates had opened. So I started therapy, um, got connected with an actual psychiatrist as well. So ever since I've been home, even still today, I do a weekly therapy session every single week. Um, and then throughout these last two and a half years, I've added and subtracted. I've just continuously evolved, um, adjusted my self care routine.

Vic: Well, and I love that you mentioned the word macho too, because sports can have this, you know, macho effect, right? Instead of, you know, uh, don't, don't worry about talking about your problems, just rub some dirt on it. You know, that's, that's all you need. Uh, what, what do you hope other athletes, uh, get from your example and, and the work you're doing in promoting mental health?

Drew: Yeah, just, honestly, that's such a good example because it's – rub some dirt on it. In sports: rub some dirt on it, tough it out. Or even, like I said, in my first hit experience, when things are going well, I still try to like, manipulate to like not get too high. So it's like, no matter what side of things, it was always, try to be a little bit different. Or like, don't do as much, or try to invalidate, or just – manipulate in a sense. But I think the main thing when it comes to sports, admitting to somebody that I don't have it all figured out or admitting to someone that I need help took way more strength than I ever experienced from a physical action.

Drew: And then also just knowing, understanding that it doesn't need to be a prideful thing. So like, I feel strength and I feel pride that I do weekly therapy. I like, I'm a lot more emotional in a good way now, or just a little bit more connected. But also it's just a part of you. So it's like if you need help in some aspect of your life, that doesn't mean all the other things that you're good at are gonna all of a sudden become lesser than or weaker than. It's like, this is just: all parts work.

If you're a big macho male, a masculine dude, like old school masculinity. It's like you have that aspect of you, but you can also add to this empathetic, understanding, loving, nurturing, underside of you for all these other moments in your life that could come up. And it's just that, it's just another tool I feel like. So it's just adding on to this already amazing person that you are or this skill set that you already have. So I just think of it as addition and just an understanding that sometimes emotional work [chuckle], mental work, all these things take way more strength than any other physical ability. So just knowing that it's really serving and it's really beneficial.

Vic: In the aftermath of his attempt, Drew worked hard in therapy to heal and to repair relationships. And then in September of 2020, Drew returned to a baseball stadium. This time it was to share his recovery story for World Suicide Prevention Day at Oracle Park, home of his former team, the San Francisco Giants. He got a chance to talk to his old teammates about what happened to him. His story – and his message – reached throughout baseball and beyond.

And Drew was more determined than ever to play baseball again. He put in a lot of training. And his hard work paid off. On April 16, 2021, exactly one year after Drew tried to take his own life, he was back on the field for Spring Training. Players were coming up to him and telling him what an inspiration he was for sharing his story, and what a difference he was making. After making the Giants roster, Robinson tweeted: "I'm officially a one-eyed professional baseball player.”

Drew: It was such a powerful experience. And I hope this doesn't sound arrogant, but I just feel like the year after my attempt, um, was like some kind of movie script that I wouldn't have even believed if someone put it in front of me. I would've said this is too good to be true kind of thing. So getting to experience, surviving that, getting to experience the love of all the support that I got, um, again, getting to a place of being able to be fully functioning, um, physically taking care of myself. And getting to that point of playing baseball again after this, with one less eye, with the story out publicly and feeling the relatability of other people that were in similar shoes as me. Being in a position where they felt encouraged to either share or just say that they got help.

Unidentified announcer #1: …was there to witness Drew Robinson’s first game, since surviving an attempted suicide.

Unidentified announcer #2: Tonight was a big step for Drew Robinson and his journey back to the big leagues. The Las Vegas product playing baseball in his hometown for the first time in two years. And it’s now been about a year since he shot himself in the head and somehow survived, making tonight's appearance a minor miracle.&nbsp;

Drew: It's just a very powerful experience and it's something I journal on, I reflect on, I just think about pretty often. I go down memory lane of looking at old pictures in my camera roll very often. And again, just try to keep on recreating that in a sense of just trying to help and knowing what it's like to be in those dark times and hoping that no one else ever has to experience that.

I just think it's really important for anyone listening to know, like just how much help is out there. And there's so many different ways to do it. I relied on medication at certain points. I've gone through coming off phases with medication. I strongly believe in therapy work, meditation, exercise.

I wish this was just kind of like talked about more openly, um, just like I'm trying to do, just trying to casually talk about all things mental health. Um, but I just think there's so many different ways for help and it doesn't have to be the exact same way someone else is doing it, which I found is actually really exciting. So, like I said, my therapy, my meditation, my journaling, my working out, that's what kind of works for me right now. But that's changed just in the last two and a half years. So I wouldn't be surprised if it changes in the near future. So yeah, anyone that might be struggling, just understand there's so much help. But the first thing you gotta do is just accept that help or ask for help.

Vic: In the summer of 2021, Drew announced his retirement from playing baseball. But he didn’t leave the game entirely. These days, he is a mental health advocate for the San Francisco Giants. And he helped found the Better Universe Foundation, a non-profit dedicated to mental health accessibility.&nbsp;

“Back From Broken” is a show about how we are all broken sometimes and how we need help from time to time. If you’re struggling with depression or thoughts of suicide, you can find a list of resources at our website backfrombroken.org. And the suicide and crisis lifeline is available 24 hours a day at 9-8-8.

Thanks for listening to “Back From Broken.” Please review the show on Apple Podcasts. It helps other people find it. “Back From Broken” is a production of Colorado Public Radio's Audio Innovations Studio and CPR News. Our lead producer today was Rebekah Romberg. Find a list of all the folks who worked hard to make this episode in the show notes. This podcast is made possible by Colorado Public Radio members. Learn about supporting “Back From Broken” at cpr.org.&nbsp;

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In the darkest moment of professional baseball player Drew Robinson's life, he realized he was here for good reasons, and he committed to living.

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