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Growing up, Natalie Hodges practiced the violin every moment she could. She was good, and the practice made her excellent. She started down the path of becoming a professional violinist until debilitating performance anxiety put a wrench in her dreams. But it helped her discover the root of her problems -- and put her on the road to recovery.

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Back From Broken is a show about how we are all broken sometimes, and how we need help from time to time. If you’re struggling, you can find a list of resources at&nbsp;<a href="http://backfrombroken.org/">BackFromBroken.org</a>.

Host: Vic Vela Lead producer:&nbsp;Rebekah Romberg Editor:&nbsp;Erin Jones Additional editorial support: Jo Erickson, Kibwe Cooper, Emily Williams, Andrew Villegas Music: Daniel Mescher and Brad Turner with additional music from Universal Production Music Executive producers: Brad Turner, Kevin Dale Thanks also to Rachel Estabrook, Hart van Denburg, Jodi Gersh, Clara Shelton, Arielle Wilson, Kim Nguyen.

<a href="http://backfrombroken.org/">BackFromBroken.org</a> On Twitter: @VicVela1

Vic Vela: Natalie Hodges doesn’t remember a time when she wasn’t playing the violin. After all, she started when she was like 4 years old. Vic (to Natalie): I know it was a long time ago and you were just a little kid, but do you remember how you felt about starting this instrument? Natalie Hodges: Yeah. I was so indifferent. Like, I didn't care [laughter]. But I do remember that I loved performing. From like, basically from when I was very, very little. And I guess the first time that I ever performed – I don't remember this – it was like a little recital from my teacher, like my teacher's studio when I was like four years old, five years old. Um, and I was playing a song called “Spinach Green and Goopy Makes Me Feel So Droopy.” It has two notes. And … Vic: Did, uh, did Beethoven write that? Natalie: Yeah. Uh, I think it's one of his lesser known compositions. Yes [laughter]. So I was playing that, and I had to be dragged off stage because I just wouldn't stop repeating the, the little two note refrain. So, uh, yeah. So performance was something that I apparently loved. Vic: Well, what, what did you love about it? Was it kinda like the adoration, the, uh … Natalie: [Laughter] I'm sure I loved that, um, part of it. Um, I think also I kind of liked this feeling that I just had to kind of get into the zone and do something. Um, and, uh, I, I remember actually liking the adrenaline rush of that. There's people there who are watching and they expect something, and then, um, kind of rising to meet that. And then of course, that's what became very difficult. Vic: Natalie poured everything she had into making her dream of becoming a professional violinist come true. But as she got better and better, her performance anxiety got worse and worse. So, Natalie was forced to choose between her dreams and her mental health. And she would learn that there were even deeper demons she needed to face.

I’m Vic Vela. I’m a journalist, a storyteller and a recovering drug addict. And this is “Back from Broken” from Colorado Public Radio. Stories about the highest highs, the darkest moments and what it takes to make a comeback.

Natalie Hodges grew up in Denver in a close knit family. She’s the oldest of four kids. And all of ‘em played the violin. They bonded over their love of classical music, which was really fostered by their mom. Natalie: She loves classical music, and she loved violin. She played a bit when she was younger as well. And so, but for, uh, financial reasons or a lot of different reasons, she wasn't able to, um, pursue it. And a lot of times people are like, oh, well, did she just transfer that dream onto you? And, and that's actually not the case. Once I said like, I really wanna do this, she really organized a ton of her life around being able to give me the opportunities that I wanted. Vic: Oh, it sounds like she, she just like loved you and supported you, right? Yeah. I’m sure you have a lot of good memories around that. Natalie: I do. There was so much, um, there was so much love in it, and it was a way in which I knew I was really loved – to have my dream be supported in that way. When I was, uh, in high school and at this point was really, really serious about the violin, was entering a lot of competitions, was practicing, you know, five hours a day at minimum. Uh, I had to make that time by staying up really late at night, otherwise, I, uh, there just wouldn't be enough time in the day. And what I would do is I would actually ask my mom, like if I needed help, if I could wake her up, and if she would sit there and listen to me, and just sit there so I wouldn't be alone.

And that sounds incredibly selfish, and it was. But that was honestly one of the most, I think, extraordinary measures of love that I've been shown in my life. And that, um, I would also hope to be able to, to show to my child or show to her again in some way or to, to people I love. Yeah. Vic: Your dad on the other hand… Natalie: Yeah. Um, that was harder. I think he — I think liked the notion in some ways that we were good, that my siblings and I were good at music. But, he didn't like basically how much of our family life and our family resources, quite frankly, like, went into that. And, um, it really became, um, actually just a, a point of really terrible tension in my parents' marriage. Um, and I think because of that, uh, there was just a tremendous amount of guilt and anxiety that I felt. Yeah. Um, so that was hard.

There was also a big cultural difference between him and my mom. And that kind of, uh … I think the music maybe represented or that played out in the music as well. Vic: Yeah. Talk about that. Natalie: Yeah. So, uh, my mother is Korean and she was born in Seoul. And she emigrated when she was about four. They are coming out of, um, the immense trauma of the Japanese occupation of Korea. Um, and then of the Korean War. There's a tremendous amount of, um, strife that her family fled.

Natalie: She would always say the ultimate privilege would be to give her children what she wasn't able to have. Like, the reason she wasn't able to, um, continue playing the violin was her father, he was terminally ill, and he passed when she was 13. So from then on, she was working lots of jobs. And then it was really important for her to get a job that would allow her to continue to do that. So she eventually became a lawyer. So I think for her, the idea that she could give us something that wasn't just about us having to scrabble for our survival, that was so important to her. And that's what, um, for her – I think that felt like mobility. Vic: Yeah. And I guess culturally, it's, you know – your, your dad's white, right?

Natalie: Mm-hmm. Yeah. And, and very blue-blooded.

Vic: He didn't have those experiences. Right? In terms of the gratitude around being able to do things in this country. Natalie: Yes. I think from my dad's – and it's not just his, it's like his whole family's perspective. I mean, they, um, they had ancestors who came on the Mayflower and they lived in Boston. They kind of have this … I think for them, there's always been the sense that we've already made it. Like we're already here. And a lot of that is a function of just who we are innately. Um, and so I think he didn't see the need to, you know, have everything be, uh, to pour so much into the effort of the music Vic: Yeah. That's a good way of putting it.

Natalie was starting to realize she was really good at playing violin. When she was just 10, she won a competition where the prize was to play a solo with a full orchestra. At that point, Natalie was hooked. And she thought that if she just put the work in, she could be really good. So she went all in. But pursuing a professional career in classical music is hard. It’s super competitive. And she started feeling the pressure. Those all night practicing sessions weren’t as fun anymore. They started to feel heavier. Natalie: Yeah. It, it was really hard. It was very, uh, internally-imposed. I never had someone say to me like, practice this much or else, right. But at the same time, there is really a structure, at least I feel to the classical music world that kind of … it's like this impenetrable fortress in some ways. And I think, historically, it has also wanted to project that image of itself too. Like, we're kind of just at this level where people play perfectly. And the, the difference now between one player who's really good and another player who's really good is, is more, at least in my mind, just in terms of interpretation.

And so I think that puts – that does put this pressure to be perfect, just to be able to join that upper echelon. And you have to be in that upper echelon if you want to have a job in music. I had a teacher tell me once, like, you kind of need to play like a soloist to get orchestra-level jobs. Vic: Well, for people who don't understand the process, like how challenging is that? Like, how much work do you have to put in to even get to that point of having that conversation? Natalie: Yeah. It's a hard question to answer because there's this very like, um, nebulous balance of work and talent. Yeah. Um, on the one hand, right, people are born with certain levels of ability. I mean, it's a physical thing. It's like inescapably physical to play an instrument. And some people have longer arms or larger hands that are gonna make things inherently easier for them. But what's really, I mean, promising, and at least seems democratic at first, maybe about classical music, is that so much of it just comes from the sheer amount of repetitive work that you put in. Um, so there's always this sense that like, oh, if I just worked a little bit harder. If I practiced eight hours a day instead of five hours a day, am I gonna be able to get to the level of people who are born more talented? Or for whom it's just easier inherently then, um, than it is for me? Vic: It was almost like an addiction. Natalie: Yes. It was walking this wire of really black and white failure and success that I felt were sort of mutually exclusive. Like if I didn't play it as well as I knew I could, even if there's not a big mistake, that's a failure. Um, and the, uh, absoluteness of that and the black and whiteness of it created this, like … I would almost get this unstoppable urge, right? To practice or to be like, I need to do more and I need to, um, almost like to punish myself in some ways. But there was also a tremendous relief. And then, you know, staying up till 3:00 a.m. just practicing, even if it was not in the most efficient way, because I was like, I have to do this.

Like, I can't almost, I can't stop myself from doing this. Like, I also deserve to be like really tired and, you know, have my, you know, finger be bleeding. Like my callous coming off because I made that mistake. And I made that mistake because I didn't practice enough. So it was this, like, um, addictive cycle where I would get like this hit from burrowing into it even more. Um, there was like a tremendous, um, amount of relief, right. Even in the midst of those really difficult practice sessions because I was like, I'm doing the most that I can do. I know that I'm doing the most I can do. I have certainty about it, so I need to keep doing it. If that makes sense. Vic: Yeah. Well, you, uh, you also touched on, you touched on a little bit of the, of the cultural factors when you talked about your parents. How much did your own cultural identity factor into the pressure you were dealing with? Natalie: Ah, that's a great question. Um, there's a couple ways in which it did. I think the first thing is that in Korean culture, and I think in just a lot of East Asian cultures, there's, uh, there's really a great premium placed on, like, the best way I can describe it is “grunt work.” Like the, like banging your head against a wall.

Natalie: …Until it collapses. And, um, there's a lot of faith placed in that. Like basically, I, I felt like there's not really a length that you shouldn't go to just in terms of being willing to put in that kind of work and sacrifice. The other is that there's a very interesting phenomenon that I'm sure you know of that, uh, Asians are very successful in Western classical music. I think that's because of the fact that classical music is something that responds so much to hard work.

Natalie: Um, and uh, that's something that Asians are familiar with. Um, but there's also, at least in my own experience, there was this sense that, as, you know, my family and other Koreans, um, like have tried to assimilate into American culture. There is this sense that, um, the best way to do that and the way to be accepted is to, um, you know, wholly embrace the culture that you're trying to enter. So if you look at classical music, right, it's kind of, it's the pinnacle, or some people would say it's the pinnacle of traditional European Western art. And I do think trying to get really good at that and to is, is this way of saying like, I've, like, I've arrived in your country and in your world, I can, um, like be really good at this and you'll accept me. And then this is also something that can belong to me too. A lot of the racism that Asian musicians encounter in the classical music world comes from, uh, people saying like, oh, well, they kind of play like robots. Like their technique is so good. But like Yoyo Ma actually, uh, has said in interviews that the question that he used to get asked often, like when he'd play Bach in Germany, is, how can an Oriental like you really understand Bach? And so there's a sense that the more you're trying to join that world, like the more you kind of reveal yourself as this imposter. Because if you can never really understand Bach, but you spend your whole life, you know, trying to achieve like, uh, this technical proficiency at it, um, you know, it kind of almost reveals you as this “try hard.” Right? And it shows more that you don't belong. And so I think that's a very alienating experience that a lot of Asian musicians have in the classical music world. And, um, that also shows the cultural pressure ‘cause you just can't win. Vic: I was just gonna say that it's a lose-lose situation.

Vic: Yeah. Because on the other hand, it's like, oh, that person is Asian, they must be really good at this instrument.

Vic: This is gonna be an excellent concert. Right. Because, you know, and, and so you have to match that. Natalie: Exactly. Vic: Despite all this pressure, Natalie still loved playing the violin. And as she progressed in her teenage years, she was becoming a stronger player. She even stopped by the Colorado Public Radio performance studio to record a piece with her sister. [Soundbite of violin music] All of this success meant the stakes were getting higher. And when Natalie was a junior in high school, she noticed a distinct shift. Her performances felt different.

Natalie: I started to just be on stage and feel absolutely flooded with nerves in a way that I had never experienced. And the way that that manifested itself was I actually felt like time had stopped in the performance. And I think that would be a terrible feeling to have in any experience. But because, I mean, music isn't really anything but, you know, structured temporal flow, as expressed through patterns of rhythm and harmony and form. To feel time stop, it felt like I couldn't get beyond the certain moment in the piece where I was. And I had that experience, I think maybe – yeah, first as a junior in high school. And then it kept repeating itself and basically repeated itself all the way up through college.

And then I would start to get really afraid to perform ‘cause I was afraid to feel that. It was interesting to feel like it always manifested as this feeling of being out of the flow of time. Like that was very also, I think, existential and scary as well. [Soundbite of “La Campanella” - virtuosic runs and flashy cadenzas] One performance really stands out. Natalie was performing a notoriously hard piece “La Campanella” by Paganini. This version you’re hearing right now is performed by a different violinist. But just listen to how challenging this piece is. [Soundbite of “La Campanella”] Natalie: So I was getting to this run at the end of the piece. I could get it sometimes in practice, but I just kind of had sort of fixated on it. And there was a voice in my head that said, “you're gonna mess up this run.” Um, and especially because the performance up to that point had been going quite well, like, almost surprisingly well. And so when I get to that run, it was almost like I had to sacrifice it on the altar of everything else, having [laughter] gone somewhat according to plan. It was this certainty that it was gonna go wrong. And I almost felt like I was creating that for myself. That was an incredibly powerful feeling. It ended with me theatrically, like losing grip of my bow. It was like I whiffed it not on purpose, but I knew I was gonna do it. Hmm. If that makes sense. Vic: It, it's like a form of sabotage, self sabotage. Natalie: Very much so. Yeah. And I – that sort of line that you walk in situations of self sabotage of being in control, not in control, which is so terrifying. Being not in control almost feels like you are at the same time or you're in control. And so you mess all of it up, you destroy it. I still remember actually the crawling shame that was just all over, and like not knowing how to locate myself in that moment. Like why was I so out of control? But also I knew it was gonna happen. So. It was a pivotal moment. Um, in how I thought of myself as a violinist and when … and it's the first time that I had really had a performance suffer in a way that was maybe noticeable to other people and not just to me from that anxiety. So it was the first time that I was like, maybe this is a problem. Vic: And it was a problem, one that would take years for Natalie to face. How she did it after the break.

Natalie Hodges kept working to push through her performance anxiety. And she had plenty of success. She went on to study music at Harvard. But that moment of time stopping during her performance just continued to eat away at her. She wanted to know why it kept happening. So, as a sophomore in a biology class, she did a lot of research on how brains work. There were studies about this stuff. And learning about the neurological science behind it was a huge relief to Natalie. Getting that bit of understanding helped. But it didn’t mean she stopped chasing her dreams. She was still practicing long hours – late into the night. During Natalie’s junior year, she geared up for a competition hosted by the orchestra at Harvard. Natalie: I wanted to compete. I prepared the Brahms Concerto, which is one of my favorite violin concertos ever. It's so beautiful.

And I, I prepared, I think, harder for that than anything I had in my life. And I also prepared smarter. Like I was, at this point, I was getting better at practicing. I was trying to figure out a way to, you know, to be more efficient so I'm not just blindly, you know, banging my head against the wall, repeating the same runs over and over. So I felt like I had practiced in a very creative way. And I felt pretty confident, um, going in. And I went in and did my audition. Um, and it was actually, uh, one of the best performances that I've ever given. I just – I felt, not only in terms of how it, how it came out, but it's how I felt when I was playing. I felt, um, really free, more creative and spontaneous. And I knew right. When that happens to you, you just, like you're making something in time and it feels good. I gave everything that I had and, uh, I didn't win. I came in second. Yeah. I was the runner up.

I just remember after they announced the result. I was like, it was okay. Like, I was very happy for the person who won. It was a beautiful day in the fall, um, and I sat there and I just bawled. I just cried. Um, and I felt like something was kind of like leaving my body. It was all of the tension of that performance. But it was also, it was a really strange moment. It was almost like when you're kind of consciously like falling out of love, like it feels like something is, is go – is being released. Vic: You're just letting go. You had all these struggles and you were in your head for so long and, and finally you just said: wow, I really enjoy how I'm playing right now, and who gives a damn if I win. All these feelings are coming out. Natalie: Exactly. But there was also, um, this sense too that like, I played my best and it wasn't enough. And no matter what, it's not gonna be enough. In terms of a professional career at the, at the level that I wanna pursue one. And that was the first time that I really knew that. And, um, I just remember having to make this choice. I had also majored in English and had really fallen in love with literature and writing during my college experience. And I remember actually sitting in the common room of the house where I lived. And just thinking, it's not my voice. And it was such a weird phrase to sort of have pop into my head and have come to me, but I actually called my mom and I told her, I said, it's not – the violin is not my voice.

I didn't really know why I was playing anymore, aside from, to to meet these certain standards or to, to soothe the desperation that I felt when I couldn't meet them. Like, that was my reason to practice at that point. Um, so it, it didn't really feel like I was saying things with my music. Vic: What a revelation, you know? Natalie: Yeah. It was terrible. Natalie: Yeah. Um, but freeing also. Vic: And how'd your mom feel about the decision? Natalie: She was so supportive. She just said, that's okay. She said, you're not gonna – she's like, you've worked so hard, there's nothing to regret. And that was a piece of reassurance that I was really grateful for. ‘Cause I, think was so – I was predisposed to kind of think, oh, well, like, is this from not trying hard enough? Or I could always – that would always be something that I could question. And she reassured me that it was something that I shouldn't question. Vic: So Natalie let go of her dream of becoming a professional violinist. But her problems didn’t go away. She still experienced anxiety. It just wasn’t on a stage anymore. In order for Natalie to truly recover, she needed to get to the bottom of where that anxiety came from. During her senior year, she built on the research around performance anxiety that she had done earlier in her college career. And learning that scientists had observed other people experiencing this too, helped Natalie feel like she wasn’t alone. Eventually, she wrote a thesis project that combined science and memoir. It was so good, she actually got a book deal after graduating from Harvard in 2019. But a monkey wrench was thrown into Natalie’s plans during the pandemic lockdown. Natalie: I came home and I was working on turning my thesis manuscript into the book, revising it, um, so that I could get it published. And because I didn't have violin anymore, because I, I was at this point kind of like, I'm not gonna apply to graduate school. That period of my life in which violin is this really central column is done, like the column has come down. Um, I, all of the, I think the, uh, anxiety and strife and the purpose that violin had held, um, all of that, didn't have anywhere to go anymore. There was no container for it. There wasn't something that I could just go and do for five hours a day and feel like I was making progress or working on something. Um, I didn't have that anymore. And then I think the confluence of that with Covid – the isolation of that was very difficult. Vic: Difficult. That's a lot to deal with. Yeah. Um, and you struggled, right? Natalie: I did. Yeah. I was lucky to be at my mom's house. I was living with her, and then my siblings were all home during that time, so that was a nice element of it that I think really saved me. But, basically the struggle that I ended up having was this surge of intrusive thoughts about anything that you can possibly imagine. Like, I, really struggled with anxiety, like, about my health, which of course makes sense since it's Covid. Like I thought, you know, I would wake up and think that I had some terminal illness. I would wake up the next day, think I had another terminal illness. I had so many terminal illnesses during that time [laughter]. Vic: Yeah. Natalie: I had anxiety about other things too. Um, and I would – all these thoughts that it was just so easy to latch onto and make real. And I remember just like lying in bed one night and feeling like … It wasn't a hallucination, but it was this almost visualization of myself. I felt like my head had cracked open and it felt like the night was pouring in. Into my skull. Vic: Wow. What a description. Natalie: Yeah. It was, it was this really, like, awesome moment in just, in the like, really, um, actually terrifying sense of that word and the, the largest sense of that word. It’s been a lot of work to come to terms with the fact that that is there. But when I think back on it, it's almost like that, that sense of, of chaos – the chaos in me and probably the chaos that's in all of us, and the chaos that's out there, not actually really being separable from one another and how terrifying that is. It was like this root thing that was maybe at the heart of the performance anxiety: the need for control. Right?

I'm sure violin prevented me from ever feeling that up until that moment. Because it was something that promised control. And I had to come to terms with the fact that none of us can do that. Um, and I think that was what unleashed all of that, um, grief and rage and anxiety that had been just bottled up for a really long time. Vic: You put it so perfectly. I mean, that's just a lot to have in your head, you know? Natalie: I think that's why the … maybe the image of it cracking open. Vic: Yeah. Yeah. I mean, and, and ‘cause you struggled to even get out of bed at that time. Right?

Natalie: Yeah. I did get to a point where I was like, um, gosh, like I, I sort of didn't really know whether I, um, wanted to be around to be experiencing, um, that level of terror every day about stupid things and feeling like the shame of like, why can't I just get over this stuff? Like, why do I have to think I'm having a heart attack when I'm not? Like, um, the frustration with myself. I think in the same way – in that performance when I dropped my bow, I felt like, why did, why did I have to do that? Why did I need to, why do I need to sabotage my life in this way? Um, and so that of course, I mean, as anyone who struggled with anything like this knows the compounding shame of going through that doesn't make it better. Vic: Without the violin to anchor herself to, Natalie needed a new outlet. All those hours that used to go into practicing started to get filled with other things. Writing became a way for her to feel grounded again, so she focused on her manuscript. She also started focusing on her mental health. Natalie: I found this, um, really wonderful therapist who, uh, basically pulled me out of that night. Vic: That’s great. Because people need to hear that, that there are answers to things. There's, there is help, uh, for you if you need it. Natalie: Yes, there is. And I remember, I called her. She was actually the first, uh, therapist I found because I Googled “therapist, health, anxiety, Colorado.” And she, her name came up. And I called her, and I just remember being very embarrassed by myself as I was going on this long tangent of, oh my God, I deal with all of these, like blah, blah, blah. These are my thoughts. In this 10 minute consultation. And she was very quiet. And then after I said all of that and I was like, pausing to breathe, she said, “I can help you.”

Just those words, those four words, to be told that by another person, like a stranger? That sentence made one of the biggest differences in my life. To know I wasn't past, um, repair. And that, um, just somebody would even care enough to say that. So. Vic: Ah, that's beautiful. Just a little, just a little sentence. I can help you. Yeah. Just four words. Mm-hmm. So powerful. Natalie: It was so powerful. They changed my life. She changed my life. Vic: Natalie started regular sessions with her new therapist to help her work through the anxiety she was feeling and process all these pent up emotions. She was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. And the more she learned about OCD, the more she was learning about herself, and how her negative thought patterns were holding her back.

Natalie: I would describe it as this, um, a stuckness that results from, um, either from a thought that you don't want to have, which is called an intrusive thought. Um, and everyone has those, but most people are able to brush them off pretty easily, be like, oh, that was weird that I just thought that. Um, but with OCD, people have – a thought pops into their mind. Um, like a very common example is, did I not turn off the stove …

Natalie: … when I left the house. And instead of just saying, oh, I probably did, I remember that. As someone with OCD you'd be like, well, say like: I, I think I remember it, but what if the house is gonna burn down? And I will be responsible for killing my pet or my neighbors. Vic: And you're just kind of torturing yourself with the thought. Natalie: Exactly. Now it's not just, maybe I didn't turn off the stove. It's – I'm gonna be a murderer because I didn't turn off the stove. Um, and then the third element that I would say – and I'm not a clinical expert in this by any means – is that you have to do what's called a compulsion or a behavior to soothe the thought and make sure that the worst case scenario isn't gonna happen. And then your brain is like, “Did you lock the door?”

Vic: Right. Natalie: And it's all of that whole process all over again.

Natalie: Yeah. It could also be like … What I struggled with was, um, like you have a sensation in your body, and we all get those all the time. But, you know, for someone with health-oriented OCD, it will be, oh, that's a symptom. And then you Google your symptom, and Dr. Google tells you it's cancer, or this could be a symptom of cancer. Then you Google that disease and then you start matching what you read to things that you feel in your body. So it's, it's …

Natalie: It is, it is this, it's actually this feeling of like burrowing down and down and down into yourself. You get to this hell hole that feels like it's basically at the bottom of you. Vic: So how did you get better? Natalie: Yeah [laughter].

Natalie: I guess like, it's weird to say like, what I like about this diagnosis, but what's really interesting to me about it is that having to be okay with uncertainty is so fundamental to the human condition, right? That's something that everybody like with that diagnosis or not has to grapple with at some point in their lives. It's easy to just say, oh, it'll be fine. Or to focus, you know, for me, really hard on violin, so I didn't have to deal with that and to give myself this semblance of control.

But losing violin and then having to deal with this demon … I'm grateful for it in the end because I had to grapple with that really fundamental uncertainty that, you know, goes back to our mortality and our place in the universe and all of those things. That sounds hokey, but I had to confront it in a way that I never had been challenged to before. It's made me want to live better, to be a better person, a kinder person to love harder. So I'm, I'm actually grateful for that in the end, even though some days it is still hard to get out of bed.

Vic: Natalie’s book is called “Uncommon Measure: A Journey Through Music, Performance, and the Science of Time.” It appeared on the National Book Award longlist, and was spotlighted as one of NPR’s favorite books of 2022. As for Natalie’s relationship with the violin? She does still play a little, but it’s just for fun for things like parties and weddings. [Soundbite of Natalie playing]

Natalie: I feel so happy to be connected by, you know, just the fact that I can play to, people on, on special days of their lives or on really hard days of their lives. And to, um, get to come out of their, come in and out of their experiences like that and to be connected to them for those moments. Um, that's what music gives me now. Um, and that's, it's like the most precious thing to me. Vic: “Back From Broken” is a show about how we are all broken sometimes. And how we need help from time to time. If you’re struggling with anxiety, or other mental health struggles, you can find a list of resources at our website, backfrombroken.org.

Thanks for listening to “Back From Broken.” Please review the show on Apple Podcasts. It helps other people find it. “Back From Broken” is a production of Colorado Public Radio's Audio Innovations Studio and CPR News. Our lead producer today was Rebekah Romberg. Find a list of all the folks who worked hard to make this episode in the show notes. This podcast is made possible by Colorado Public Radio members. Learn about supporting “Back From Broken” at cpr.org.

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A podcast about recovery, hosted by Vic Vela.

Back from Broken

When Natalie Hodges started down the path of becoming a professional violinist, debilitating performance anxiety put a wrench in her dreams. But it helped her discover the root of her problems -- and put her on the road to recovery.

Natalie Hodges | Colorado Public Radio

Natalie Hodges

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CPR News delivers in-depth, insightful and impartial news and information from across the country and throughout Colorado, examining its relevance to our state and connecting it to our communities.

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